I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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