did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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