I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
