Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
