you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
