For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
