i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She's the barista slut.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
