My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
