I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
