i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
