I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
