how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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