He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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