Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
