I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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