Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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