Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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