I want to make a zoo with you.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
