new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
