We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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