Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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