high people should be assigned attendants
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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