24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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