i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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