I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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