She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
ttyl tear gas
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
