everyone is single if you try hard enough
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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