I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
