The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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