he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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