I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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