Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
