The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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