new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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