Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
