If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
