I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
