you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
