You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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