so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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