Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
