I can text with my tongue
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
