Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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