i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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