My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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