Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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