Tell her she can't have a vagina
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My legs feel like baby dolphins
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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