My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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