You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
