I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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